Written On My Soul
by Smile-I'mTheEndOfAllThatYouSee
Summary: Here I find quotes, lyrics, lines from poetry or stories, ect. that reveal the most inner pain and/or struggles of each mutant written in drabble format.
1. Leonardo

**This is the first time I am writing in Leo's POV in first person. I would appreciate some feedback. Disclaimer: I don't own TMNT or ****_A Doll House_**

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**Helmer:** "I would gladly work night and day for you. Nora, bear sorrow and want for your sake. But no man would sacrifice his honor for the one he loves."

**Nora**: "It is a thing hundreds of thousands of women have done."

- Henrik Ibsen, _A Doll House_

I stealthily walk through the alleyways between nearly abandoned apartment buildings, careful not to let any humans see me. There's barely anyone here, but it's better to be safe than sorry. I avoid the exposure of the ivory moonlight. I am one of them now – the criminal, the gang member, the man lurking for his human prey, the children of the night who are too afraid to let the moon reveal their evil intentions. I am a dishonored ninja – worst of all a Foot Ninja – living in my own exile away from my family and friends. All of them believe that I have steered from the path of Bushido and took the narrow path that leads to a cliff where I take my fall from grace. In a way they're right, but the circumstances they were led to believe were completely false. And for their sake, it must stay that way.

My name is Hamato Leonardo, and once upon a time, I lived with honor.

Once upon a time, I would've been ashamed at myself if I lived with dishonor.

But on the bottom of the cliff side from my fall of grace, I learned that bitter taste of committing the worst kind of acts for the right reasons can be the most prideful feeling ever.

When Master Splinter told me Master Yoshi's last words were "he who lives without honor, will end without honor," I was humbly inspired by the man's philosophy and further dedicated my life to honor and bushido. I will protect my family with my hard trained ninja skills and lead my brothers the best that I could while never ever falling into the pits of dishonor like many a man I have seen. I will be better than that and make my family proud. After all there is nothing greater than honor.

When the Ancient One told me the story of Hamato Yoshi and his friend Yukio Mashimi, I was impressed at my "grandfather's" sense of right and wrong despite starving on the streets and his dedication to the Utroms. I strived to live up to my grandfather's example and defeat the monster of guilt that ate me alive. Eventually I did and came home only to discover Karai's act of betrayal. Any honor I thought she had was wiped away. No one hurts my family.

Then had Baxter Stockman secretly infect my brothers, Master Splinter, April and Casey with some kind of virus that can be activated and slowly and painfully kill my family. He captured me and gave me a choice: betray my family or see them die. Betraying my own family and friends was the worst thing in the world. To take their love and trust and smash it without a second thought while committing to the hands that seek to kill them. It is the most dishonorable thing a ninja or anyone could do. I was taught always to put honor above everything else. Even my own life.

But what about the lives of my loved ones? By choosing the path of honor, everyone I loved would lie cold in their graves while I lived. I would live with honor but live alone with only guilt to keep me company. How could I live when I would want to die? Is honor the only thing that truly matters? No ninjutsu master has ever written in their books about things that rank above honor. No words from Master Splinter have ever counseled me on this subject. They all said honor was the greatest thing for a ninja to possess. I knew I had to face this decision alone. And the answer came easily to me.

I made it out seemingly my family that I had betrayed them out of my own freewill. I helped killed innocent people. I have tortured a few even. I've seen their hatred for me and their disgust for the dishonor I possess. I have seen my family on the opposite side of the battlefield while I stood with Shredder. I have seen their confusion and anger, but I made sure they were not harmed or at least killed in battle. I had my ties to my family stripped from me, my honor shredded, my morals discarded, and my former life gone.

I have all of this happen to me, and I have done all of this, but I could not bring myself to regret my decision. My family was more important than my own sense of honor. Love is truly greater than honor. Perhaps one day, I'll be free from Shredder, and I'll plead for their forgiveness. Then I will write about my beliefs like the great and past ninjutsu masters have done. But for now, I hide from the moon in search of the Guardians.

So if an honorable ninja saw me in the bottom of my hole and preached, "He who lives without honor will end without honor."

I would tell him, "Perhaps that is so, but one who refuses to sacrifice honor for love, will die with neither honor nor love."


	2. Raphael

**Next up is Raph whose source of anger always fascinated me. The thematic quote for Raph are the these lyrics to "Dreams". When I first looked up the lyrics to that song, I always felt that it described the relationship between him and Leo, especially the portion of the lyrics below. Disclaimer: I don't own the song or show.**

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_"I'm here struggling with my brothers._

_I'm here struggling with my brothers.  
This is the most passion you will ever see.  
OH!_

_My heart is breaking for and with you."_

- We Came As Romans, "Dreams"

I storm out of the Lair and into the bitter cold night, but not even the wind can cool the fire inside me. Wind never stops fire. That's just a damn desperate attempt to keep the fire from burning you. In reality it makes fire grow. It grows until I can't run anymore, until I can't make anyone bleed no more, and then dies until it's just glowing embers that wait to be ignited once again. But fire and glowing embers are light, and light on an object casts a shadow. The same goes for my fire. It casts its light upon Leo, and I can never escape his shadow. Its hands strangle me with the knowledge that I will never be perfect like him; I will never be good enough for him; I will never be the favorite like Leo, and I will never receive my own father's love that he reserves only for Leo. And no matter how I rage, the fire gets bigger and so does the shadow. I am a rat in a cage.

It's that shadow I so desperately want to escape, but it's that shadow I crave to be. Those two opposite warring sides of my conflict pull my mind part. Every time I fight with Leo, every order I disregard, every word flung is an attempt to wrestle myself free from his shadow's hands that wrestle me down whenever he yells back. That way my fire can burst through and stand on its own. I won't be so angry anymore. I'll finally be content with myself. My fire wouldn't be fueled with rage but by my own strength and willpower. I can stand on my own and no words or actions will ever make me hate myself for not being the perfect son. It won't matter because I will know for myself that I am the greater warrior and the greater person and no one can convince me otherwise. Then I won't have to worry about not being loved as much by my own father. Heck maybe he'll love me more and make me the leader.

But another part of me hates myself. I'm not perfect like Leo as much as sometimes strive to be. A part of me hates myself, and who can blame me? I seem to screw everything up almost as much as Mikey does, and Leo always fights with me about it. No one knows this and no one will ever know, but growing up, he was my personal hero, and he kinda is still now. I strived to be like him maybe even better than him so that Master Splinter would pick me to be the leader. Just because you're the oldest doesn't mean you're the strongest, bravest, or most skilled. When that didn't happen, I settled for being the better warrior and strived to be better than him, and when I noticed the increased favoritism of Leo by Master Splinter, I strived even harder so maybe I'll be loved more or at least just as equally to Leo.

It's these two sides of my conflict that kills me and makes me so angry. I want to be myself but I want to be Leo. It shouldn't be hard to decide my own identity, and it makes me so frustrated that it does, and when I'm frustrated, I'm angry. Who am I? – Raphael: strong, brave, rebellious, the Big Dog, "shoot first, ask questions later" kind of guy, or Raphael: hot-headed, a screw up, angry, non-favorite, "always living in Leo's shadow and too afraid to let my real self show" kinda guy?

I roar into the uncaring, night sky. I unleash a few more feral screams, hearing my pent up anger become sounds that leave my body. Well most of it. Those embers will always remain. After a couple more, I pant in frustration and watch the few stars bright enough to outshine New York City's artificial lights. They say stargazing makes you feel insignificant and ironically makes you feel good. It may work for other people, but I never enjoyed feeling insignificant from the stars. I already feel insignificant enough by my own family. I don't need objects to do that for me.

But it's still kinda inspirational to see little stars to outshine such a huge island of light. Donnie says there's a lot more out in the sky, but they're not strong enough to outshine New York City. Maybe one day, I'll be one of the brighter stars who can outshine a city of light. Maybe I'll no longer be those weak little stars that nobody can see and thus not care. I wonder if those weak little stars wish they could be the strong ones. Do they compete to outshine New York City? People love stars – they help them guide them at night and bring life if they're suns. I wonder if those weak little stars wished they were loved by the people like how everyone loves the sun or the visible stars. I bet they feel insignificant and hate it not stargazers.

And then I wonder if I am that weak little star, always overshadowed by New York City's lights and wishing I was like the brighter stars that can outshine it. Nobody knows I exist and therefore find no use for me. They need visible stars for navigation and suns for life. Not some weak little pathetic star that nobody knows exists except for astronomers.

And then I wonder this, do I want to become my own man and not be loved by my own father or do I want to become Leo and gain the love of my father?

Knowing I can't have both and the two sides of the conflict now pull at my heart until I'm sure it's gonna rip in half, the embers ignite into a full scale wildfire, and I scream.


	3. Donatello

**Don was the hardest to do, but when I heard this song, I immediately knew what to write about.**

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_It's got what it takes  
So tell me why can't this be love  
Straight from my heart oh tell me why  
Can't this be love  
I tell myself  
Hey only fools rush in an only time will tell  
If we stand the test of time  
All I know  
You've got to run to win an I'll be damned if  
I'll get hung up on the line"_

- Why Can't This Be Love? By: Van Halen

The human brain is divided into two lobes – the right hemisphere is emotional, creative, spontaneously bursting with imagination while the left hemisphere is analytical, scientific, prefers to sit back and objectively watch things unfold upon its eyes. My personality is very much like the human brain – a part of me values myself as an unusual but just as wonderful product of nature and space, a turtle molded from eons of evolution with a splatter of mutagen from the heavens to speed up the evolutionary process. It is this combination that makes me love myself, fulfills my curiosity to further discover the properties of the mutagen and be thankful that I am one of six very lucky non-human animals that got to experience the intelligence and bipedal movements that humans often take for granted. That is my scientific, analytical side of me that appreciates my genetic makeup.

The emotional side of me hates what I am.

Like all of my brothers, since mutating we were aware that we were different, and humans would be afraid of us. As much as we all fantasized about being human and coveted the opportunities humans have just by being human, we were all content with being our species, especially Mikey. I was content, too, never really hating myself. That is until April walked into our lives.

She was human, but she was beautiful, but more than that, she was intelligent. Even though she isn't as smart as me, she appreciated my brain, often gave scientific input to my ideas, and brainstormed intelligent solutions for problems I couldn't solve. SD=he is Aphrodite with the mind of Athena with a dash of Hermes. But it was more than just that, she made me feel, well, I don't know how to describe it, but I can say is that my old desire to invent has been replaced by a new desire to have her kiss my cheek, lips if I'm lucky.

Casey came into a picture, and I will admit, I was afraid that April will fall for him, forever stealing away my chance with her. Luckily, she was repulsed by him, but when I noticed the two beginning to bond almost to the point of romance. I just had to make my move.

"April?" I asked her one day in her shop. It was just the two of us, and she had just closed for the day. I tightly clutched the roses behind me. If I could sweat, this place would be an indoor pool.

"Yeah, Donnie?" April asked. She didn't suspect a thing.

"Well…um…there's something I need to tell you."

She must have noticed how nervous I was because her face was full of concern. "What's wrong?"

God, her eyes are like jade set against fire. "Nothing's wrong it's just, well, here. " I shoved the roses into her arms.

April smelled them. "They're beautiful, Donnie, but what's the occasion?"

I took a deep breath. _Here it goes. _"I'm in love with you, and I was wondering if you would want to go out with me."

April blinked. "Wow, Donnie, I, uh, don't know what to say."

"Please say yes."

Instead, April shook her head, crushing my heart. "Donnie, I'm flattered, but I don't feel the same way. I do love you, but in a brother-sister kind of way. You see, I'm in love with Casey, and tonight will be our first date."

I was hurt beyond hurt. No hardcore ninjutsu training session could ever inflict pain to rival the one I feel in my heart. "But you and me have so much more in common than you and Casey, and I value you for your mind and soul. Casey just wants to get laid."

April laughed. "Casey does tend to think with what's below the belt, but he does have a sweet and considerate side once you get to know him." She saw how crushed I looked. Her tone became soft and sad. "Donnie, I do value you for who you are. You're the sweetest, most compassionate guy I have ever known, and I can't tell you enough how much I look forward to our weekly web chats or how much I love hearing you talk about an invention or some scientific revelation. You have an amazing mind. If things were different…"

"You mean if I weren't a mutant turtle," I said bluntly.

"What? No, that's not what I meant," April defended herself. I don't believe it. Why else would she go out with a bozo like Casey who can't even tell right from left.

April was about to say something else, to sugarcoat the fact that I'm a mutant with no chance of the most beautiful, most intelligent woman alive. My heart was broken, and hated myself for being so damn foolish. I couldn't bear to hear any more. All I wanted to do was turn back time and prevent myself from mutating. "Forget it April," I said bitterly. "Forget this conversation ever happened." Then with ninja speed, I ran off. Only when I was out of her eyeshot did I look back on the goddess that I couldn't have.

Since that day, I began to hate my species. If I were a human with buff abs, jet black hair, and Italian colored skin or whatever April's dream guy looks like, we could be dating and eventually get married and have kids. We could be together forever, in love with each other as if we had just met and had fallen in love. But it didn't happen that way. My looks got in the way of any chance I had with April.

I really shouldn't blame her. Nature has designed hundreds of ways to prevent interspecies mating. This is just one of those ways, but maybe, just _maybe _April and I could have beaten those barriers and write our own _Romeo & Juliet _love story.

But every day when I look at myself in the mirror, I curse my looks, my species, my mutation. I feel like Frankenstein's monster.

It came to no surprise when I shattered the bathroom mirror in the wall, letting its reflective pieces pierce my skin – my hatred of myself drawing blood.


	4. Michelangelo

**When I saw this quote while writing ****_The Death of Me_****, I knew I wanted to do a drabble on Mikey using this as inpiratgion,. Then I decided to do drabbles on the turtles using quotes, lyrics, and whatever as inspiration. Now I decided that I'm going to do Splinter and Leatherhead because (a) being mutants in a mutant-unfriendly world, they must have some issues and (b) Leatherhead's situation with the Utroms has always made me wonder something which you will read in the final chapter. Disclaimer: i don't own anything **

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_"The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself." – Friedrich Nietzsche_

You know what's my greatest fear? No, it's not the _Justice Force _being canceled forever and thus not knowing if Silver Sentry defeats Dr. Malignus before the world falls to into nuclear fallout. That's my second worst fear. My first worst fear is something a lot more terrifying than that.

It's the fear of being alone.

Whether it's because my family is wiped out or they kick me out, just the thought of being alone scare the shell out of me and gives me a cold, empty feeling in my stomach. As much as I love annoying my older brothers, I love them to death, and the same goes for Master Splinter, April, Casey, Klunk, Leatherhead, and all our friends, but it's my bros that hold a special place in my heart. I'd do anything to keep them safe. We've been together since we were bought at that pet shop. We've probably been together since hatching. We've never separated except for that time, Leo had to go away for awhile to train with the Ancient One, and that other time Karai attacked us, and we got separated from one another. Other than that, we always stuck together, and those times we were separated, we came back to each other. We're one mean, green, fighting machine, and as Leo says, "If one falls, we all fall."

But that much unity comes at a price. Because there are forces wanting to kill us – from being discovered and dissected by humans to Shredder trying to wipe us all out – that surround us, we have no choice but to stick together as a family and as a militia. We need to train in ninjutsu so we can be at the peak of our game, and then train even more so we can soar above our peak. But the thing is that as much as I love being a ninja, it's not my thing. It's Leo's thing, and maybe even Raph's thing, but it's not me. I don't want my mind, soul, and body to be dedicated to something that I don't want to make a career out of. My thing is self-expression. All those comics, music, videogames, and sci-fi, fantasy, and horror movies fuel my mind with inspiration and teach me how to draw so I can create my own comic. I dream of becoming the next Stan Lee, and with the invention of the internet and anonymous publishing, my dream can very well come true. Rather than spend time training my body, I spend time honing my art skills. Rather than meditating, I imagine plot lines, characters, settings, and all that cool stuff. Art is who I am not ninjutsu.

But it's taking a toll on my performance in the field. My brothers yell at me for being too childish and that my antics are putting us all in danger. My father lectures me, words dripping in disappointment, for not following the path of bushido. And it hurts. I know I'll never be good enough for them. Hell, even I know that I won the Battle Nexus out of dumb luck. Why do they think that I bragged about it? It was the only huge victory that I alone achieved, and I'm just trying to convince myself that the circumstances of my victory mean nothing and that I've really done something to make my family proud. Guess it didn't work.

So why bother in something that I know I'll never be good at, that I never really want to do in my future? I just want to be myself, and maybe, my family will be proud of me for being the next Stan Lee. That'll be better than them being proud of me in ninjutsu, but of course that doesn't work out.

"I'm cutting you off the team, Michelangelo, until I see an improvement in your training," Leo says coldly.

"You can't disown me!"

"I you don't get your act together, the Foot's gonna kill us! I can't keep savin' your ass!" Raph yells, heatedly.

I turn to Donnie, my eyes pleading for help.

Don shakes his head. "Sorry, Mikey. It's for your own good."

"My son," Master Splinter begins, "I am disappointed in you. Your brothers are right. You need to follow the path of bushido like a true ninja if we are to ever survive and fight against our enemies."

Do you finally see my problem? My family is walking the path of bushido, but I don't want to walk that path anymore. I want to stop walking and carve my own path in which I alone control the destination. If I do, then I am truly alive, truly myself, but I'll be facing my worst fear: loneliness. If I don't, I'll be surrounded by those I love, but I'll be short changing myself. I'll hate myself for not staying true to myself and that I'll never be good enough for them. So what's worse – being alone or not being myself?

So I turn around and carve my own path. It's time that I rely on myself and face my fears.


	5. Splinter

**Enjoy! Disclaimer: I don't own anything**

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"Revenge is like a poison. It can take us over. Before you know it, turn you into something ugly." – Aunt May, _Spider-Man 3_

I enter the living room where my sons sleep peacefully. I could not but help smile a little. They looked unburdened and free from the burdens they carried. I stroke their cheeks, feeling their cold reptilian skin. I am reminded when they are little. No matter how rambunctious they were, no matter how much trouble they had gotten into, whenever they nap or sleep the night away, any anger or annoyance I had before melted away as I see how precious they truly are. It's a shame that only now am I truly understanding how wonderful those moments were.

My sons believe that I have been training them in the art of ninjutsu for self defense. Technically, it's true, but it only became true later on in their lives just as they were reaching adolescence. My primary motive – a motive that faded over time and a motive they will never learn – was to train them in ninjutsu so they may avenge my beloved Master Yoshi for me.

I understand how wrong it is. It was only recently that I had begun to see precious souls instead of tools for destruction, but I had my reasons. I barely remember my own mother, and because I am a rat, my biological father took no part in raising me. After leaving the nest, my siblings and I have split up in which I had to survive in a world that hates me alone. It was only when Tang Shen saved me and Master Yoshi raised me that I have begin to feel warmth and love again. I treasured the familial bonds that have been forged.

When Tang Shen was murdered, I mourned the passing of my "mother" but at least I still had my father. When Yoshi died, I felt the crushing weight of loneliness. The warmth was chilled by the cold streets that I was forced to live in. However, that all change when I found four baby turtles in green ooze. I admit I thought they were cute, and I was curious about these creatures so I gathered them in a coffee can and brought them to my burrow. The next day, I became sentient and four feet tall. The baby turtles were the size of giant tortoises and appeared to be somewhat sentient as they followed me wherever I went. When they became accustomed to walking on two legs instead of four and acquired the ability to speak and think intelligent thoughts (for toddlers), I realized that an opportunity presented itself to me.

To avenge my Master Yoshi.

I raised them as a father would his children but only for the purpose to be healthy and intelligent for when the time for ninja training came. When they were five, I began in their training. I watched their progress with vengeance in my mind. As I watch them learn and spar, all I could think of was Shredder bloody and dead at their feet. I saw them less as beings with pure souls and innocent hearts but as weapons being groomed for justice. The thirst for justice was like an elixir for life, fueling me with purpose.

But gradually things changed. As I watched them play and interact together, I am reminded of early memories of my childhood where I played with my siblings. A pang of empathy for the young turtles in my heart rings in my heart. As I watch Donatello trying to put together two pipes, Michelangelo attempting to draw, Leonardo practicing his katas, and Raphael shadowboxing, I realized that each of them had their own interests. I began to see how each turtle's unique interest was simply a product from his personality. Different personalities. Four different personalities.

And then their eyes. In each of them even in Raphael who had such a temper on him, I could see the innocence they held, and to my surprise, love for me. I didn't know why they loved me. I was treating them as weapons, but when they called me "Daddy" for the first time as opposed to Master Splinter, my heart melted. I knew that I could never use them for vengeance. So I continued to train them, but this time for their benefit not mine.

Years later, my sons have grown from little boys to fully fledged ninjas. Shredder and the Foot Clan have reentered my life, and my sons are not exempt from the Shredder's evil shadow. Many times my sons have been ambushed by the Foot, but they have always come out in victory. However, this only gives the Shredder even more incentive to kill them, and while I love them all very deeply and worry when they are out, I had no objections against them fighting the Foot Clan and Shredder when he emerged. I didn't know why, or perhaps maybe I did. Although I have come to see my sons in new light, that elixir coursed through my veins. I still wanted the Shredder to pay for what he had done and see the Foot Clan wiped out. However, this part of me scared me. I convinced myself that my sons were more than capable to handle the Foot, and besides, I did forbid them from going after Shredder (even though they didn't listen) and protected them when Shredder attempted to kill my sons. Now of course, they are well off now, but even in the deepest part of my heart I knew this to be untrue.

Then on that one fateful night, Shredder and his ninja ambushed my sons and me during a training exercise on the rooftops. My sons and I fought bravely, but I was eager to get to the Shredder. When I turned around after finishing my fight, I saw that the Foot had been defeated, and to my horror, my sons charging after Shredder with revenge in their eyes. When did this need for vengeance manifested inside my sons? Shredder raised his gauntlets and…

It has been three days since that fight. I kiss their foreheads before closing their coffin lids. I could see now that that elixir has turned into a poison that has claimed the lives of the most precious things in my life even when I tried to smother it with love and deny its existence.

Now I'll be alone forever.

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**One more to go**


	6. Leatherhead

**Here's the last chapter. Ever since I watched "What a Croc!" for the first time, I always wondered if the Utroms simply forgotten about Leatherhead as throughout the whole series, they never attempt to rescue him nor inquire about his whereabouts or his wellbeing to the Turtles when they meet again in "Exodus, Part 2." So rather than take the obvious choice and explore Leatherhead's rage, I decided to write from a different angle instead. Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

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_"One of these days letters are gonna fall  
From the sky telling us all to go free  
But until that day I'll find a way  
To let everybody know that you're coming back  
You're coming back for me_

_'Cause even though you left me here_  
_I have nothing left to fear_  
_These are only walls that hold me here_  
_Hold me here, hold me here, hold me here_  
_Only walls that hold me here"_

- Civil Twilight, "Letters from the Sky"

**A minute after the Utroms left Earth**

Nothing. Absolutely nothing. My home. My family. All engulfed in a dome of yellow light.

_No!_ _Remember the blue flashes. The blue flashes!_

I shook my head. My family lives. They have escaped. Mortu, Kraang, Helm, K'lu*, my mana****** Ura. Everyone. They all live.

But there's absolutely nothing left. Just a hole filled water. This is where I was raised. _This was where I was raised._

There is nothing here for me now. The silence after the explosion is fading with sirens, alarms, and the shouts of the troops. I need to go, but where?

With my family gone and my home destroyed, there is only one place to go now. To the place where I found: the sewers. I stumble without feeling, without stimuli to the outside world, mind focused on one thing and one thing only. It's a good thing my subconscious knows the way.

I find myself at the Hudson River without any recollection of getting there. Instinctively, I dive in and find a sewer gate. I rip off the gate and climb in. I barely fit so I crawl like an un-mutated crocodile. I don't know where I'm going, but my feet and hands have a mind of their own so I go where they take me.

Minutes, maybe hours pass. I don't know. A whole year could pass, and I wouldn't even realize. It's all a blur, but I find myself in a room in the sewers that looks like it had once been occupied. My body collapses on the stone floor as everything hits me like a train. I sob from the impact. My family is safe and alive, but they left without me. They didn't have a choice, but they left me all alone, and I don't know if I'll ever see them again. I never even got to say goodbye. I wish Mana was here to hold me forever as she comforts me, to let me know that she'll never leave me. But she's on Magonia right now. And I'm on Earth.

Time passes, and my tears stop flowing. I'm exhausted from everything. I curl up on the hard cement floor. My only source of warmth is the promise of a future that I will be reunited with my family. Mana promised that she'll never leave me. I am an Utrom at heart even though I'm a crocodile on the outside. My family will come back for me. I know it.

I lull myself to sleep by mentally repeating the Utrom motto over and over again.

_We are Utroms. We are one. We shall not fail!_

**3 Months later**

Although I am confident that my family will return for me, I should also find a way to them by building a transmat from the one that was destroyed and old engineering and science equipment I found in my Lair. Perhaps I will return to them sooner. As my new friend Baxter Stockman adjusts a piece, I cannot help but dream about returning to my family, especially to Mana. I imagine life on Magonia from what Mana has told me. I can see myself walking the streets under calm blue-gray skies with long cloud formations that stretch on for miles which from space they look like scratch marks. Rain starts to fall from one of Magonia's many storms which look like spirals from space. The feeling of clean and cold water against my crocodilian skin would be soothing unlike the dirty sewer waters. Flowers would open up to the storms, their scent mixing in with the wet air and allowing their perfume to travel on for miles. Mana would take my hand or nudge me as she takes me to all the sights and sounds of her planet. Her stories would be fused with the tangible representations. At night, Magonia's ring would be visible as starlight reflects form the dust, creating an ivory ring of light. I imagine Mana and me lying down somewhere and staring at the night sky as Mana tells me of the many famous space explorations.

The sound of Baxter's wrench jolts me from my daydream. I take a look at the transmat and smile at its halfway completion. If I can't be with my family, then life has no meaning.

**6 months later**

I see Bishop's face – smile twisted in ironic pleasure and eyes hungering to see my insides. He holds up a small handheld abrasive saw. The bright lights reflect off from the moving blade. I turn my head around. The glare hurts my eyes, and I do not want to stare at my death.

"You are a monster." His voice is smooth as it pours from his toungue like asphalt being poured onto a road. It's hard to disagree with him as the monster inside me claws against the lining of my stomach. He wants out, but the straps hold me captive on the table, making me feel helpless and scared.

I close my eyes. Not because of the glare but because I want to think of something happy. I think of my family. I think of being cuddled against Mana's metal body when I was a mutated hatchling. I think of countless hours spent learning the Utrom's history from Mortu when I was an adolescent. I think of talking with K'lu as we worked on the transmat, repairing robot bodies, or doing anything that requires engineering skills and physics. I think of laughing in amusement at Kraang's constant complaining.

The saw begins slicing my abdomen. I scream in agony. The monster threatens to climb through my esophagus and out of my mouth.

_Mana, Mortu, K'lu, Kraang, please anybody. Please hurry. I'm not sure how long I will last._

**1 year later**

I was walking to the living room when Michelangelo came running by in a panic. He gently pushed me out of the way.

"Sorry, LH!"

"Huh?" Why was he running as if his life was in danger?

I found my answer when Raphael ran by. He roared as he shouted, "COME HERE, KNUCKELHEAD!"

Curious, I followed them to the living room to see Raphael on top of Michelangelo, laughing as he struggled to get free. I couldn't help but chuckle at the scene. Donatello and Leonardo entered the living room from another entrance. "What's going on here?" Leonardo asked.

"This bozo here shot cockroaches at me! Large, deadly cockroaches!" Raph yelled.

"Cockroaches are harmless, Raph," Don said matter-of-factly not even bothered by the scene.

"I don't care! Those goddamn things can survive nuclear fallout!"

I noticed that Leo started to chuckle.

"It ain't funny, fearless!"

"Donny, Leo, help!"

I couldn't help but marvel that these four rambunctious set of brothers are in a way my brothers. We came from the same mutation, and the Utroms are our friends. Since the betrayal of Bishop, I never thought I would feel love and companionship that only a family could provide from another group of beings. I'm so glad I was reunited with them, but I know they could never replace my Utrom family. It'll be hard to say goodbye to them when my other family comes back for me.

I continued to walk to the living room to join my brothers in their crazy antics.

**5 years later**

I float in the Hudson River, concealed from the shadows under the docks. I peak at the stars. Magonia is light years away. I can't see it from Earth's night sky, but I like to imagine that if I follow the Big Dipper its upper right hand corner of its oval and travel northward to the North Star, somewhere there is Magonia.

I sigh. A lot has changed. Every incarnation of the Shredder has been defeated and wiped out of existence many years ago. My family has grown bigger with the birth of April and Casey's daughter four years ago. My brothers have grown into adults in their early twenties. I'm reaching my thirties very soon. I thought by the time I've reached my thirtieth birthday, I'd be home with Mana on her home planet. Maybe I will have to wait longer. I wonder what's taking them so long. My brothers have seen Mortu and the others during the Shredder's trial. They seemed well off. They couldn't have forgotten me, especially Mana. She loves me too much to forget about me. Maybe war has recently broken out, preventing my rescue, or maybe they're in the middle of my rescue and some peril has befallen them in space. One or all of those reasons have to be it. They would never forget about me.

Could they?

**10 years later**

I sit hunched in the darkness of my Lair for no damn reason at all. I could turn on the lights. Donatello installed electricity in here a long time ago, but I'm not in the mood for any artificial or natural lightning at all. I fear that I may be going through what the humans call a midlife crisis but combined with depression. It's been ten damn long years since I've seen Mana, Mortu, Kraang, and the rest of my Utrom family. Ten damn long years and no attempt at contact or rescue effort. By now they would have brought me home. Any excuse I could give as a reason for my delayed retrieval should have been solved long ago, or they didn't care enough about me to defy any excuse or maybe both. My heart has long broken, each piece turning into pebbles, to block the hurt and to protect what I have left from pain, but even that is not enough as something deep inside my brain where earliest hatchling-hood memories are stored rises to the surface. It's when I was only three-years-old

_Mana cradles me in her robot arms but my face and body are pressed to her squishy body. "Mana?"_

_"Yes, my little ugom__*******__?"_

_"When you go to your home planet, can I come with you?"_

_"Of course! You know that I will never leave you."_

_I snuggled up to Mana. "I love you, Mana."_

_"I love you, too, Leatherhead."_

"You lied, Mana. You never came back for me. You never truly loved me."

* * *

**Fyi, Magonia really is the name of the Utrom's homeworld, and the outer description is true. (I just made up explanations for the planet's appearance.) I looked it up on some TMNT wiki. Also, Helm and Kraang are actual Utroms. The former was briefly mentioned in "Secret Origins, Part 1" in a flashback in which Mortu orders him to control the bridge while Mortu and some other Utroms investigate their ship's engines. The latter made an appearance in "Secret Origins, Part 3" where he complains about walking on his tentacles. I made up the Utrom language.**

***K'lu – he's the yellow Utrom in "Secret Origins, Part 1" who invents the exosuit. I made up his name**

****Mana (feminine; pronounced 'Măn-uh) – Utrom for mother**

***** Ugom (masculine; pronounced: 'Ooh-gŏm)– Utrom for** **sweetheart**


End file.
